Hi beautiful human, Adele here.

Marriage can be a beautifully sacred experience filled with laughter, intimacy, and deep connection. But it can also feel overwhelming, confusing, and harder than you imagined.

In the beginning, most couples feel hopeful and wildly in love. You have long talks about dreams. You hold hands everywhere. You can’t imagine ever becoming the couple who barely talks or always seems annoyed with one another.

But after a few years, the energy shifts. Careers, kids, responsibilities, and unspoken expectations pile up. The connection that once felt effortless starts to feel strained. Suddenly, you’re having the same arguments on repeat. You don’t understand why you keep missing each other. You start wondering when marriage became so hard.

And maybe, in the middle of one of those arguments, you catch yourself saying something your parents would’ve said. Or reacting in a way you swore you never would. And it hits you: you’re doing the very thing you promised yourself you wouldn’t repeat.

The Marriage Advice No One Gave Us

If I could go back in time, there are so many things I wish someone had told me before I got married. Not just about conflict—but about the invisible emotional blueprints we carry from childhood.

Most of us didn’t grow up with examples of healthy communication in marriage. We didn’t see people pause, regulate, and repair after conflict. We didn’t see what it looks like to stay soft in moments of tension.

Instead, we saw yelling, slammed doors, icy silences, or blame. Some of us grew up in homes full of tension that no one talked about. Those patterns don’t vanish when we say “I do.” They follow us. They shape how we love, how we fight, and how we protect ourselves.

What My Marriage Taught Me (That I Wish I Knew Sooner)

After more than a decade with my wife, I can honestly say we didn’t get here because it was easy. We got here because we stopped repeating the cycles we inherited and decided to build something healthier.

Here are five lessons I wish I’d learned earlier:

1. Healthy communication is the foundation.

Without it, even small misunderstandings turn into walls of resentment. You retreat, thinking you’re protecting yourself, when really you’re building distance.

Communication isn’t just about talking. It’s about:

• Saying, “That hurt me,” without fear of rejection.

• Listening to understand, not just to respond.

• Making space for your partner’s feelings, even when they’re hard to hear.

2. Disagreement doesn’t mean dysfunction.

I used to believe happy couples didn’t fight. But conflict is inevitable. You’re two different people with two different stories.

The real question is: do you repair after the fight, or do you let silence do the talking?

• Healthy couples argue.

• Healthy couples also learn to repair.

It’s not conflict that breaks a marriage—it’s the absence of repair.

3. You don’t need to fix your partner—you need to understand them.

Early in our marriage, I tried to mold my wife into handling conflict like me. I wanted quick reassurance. She needed time. My chasing made her withdraw. Her silence made me panic.

We weren’t broken. We were shaped by different childhoods. When I stopped trying to change her and started learning what made her feel safe, things shifted. She learned my intensity came from a need for connection, not attack. I learned her pause was about regulation, not rejection.

Understanding changed everything.

4. Emotional connection is built in small moments.

You can share a house and a bed and still feel like strangers. Disconnection often comes not from lack of love, but lack of intentional presence.

Connection looks like:

• Asking, “How are you, really?” and staying to listen.

• Checking in after a hard day.

• Turning toward each other instead of away.

Five minutes of presence each day softens everything else.

5. Love isn’t a constant feeling—it’s a daily choice.

Some days it feels easy. Other days it feels like work. And that’s normal.

Real love means choosing:

• Openness over shutting down.

• Listening when you’re tired.

• Repair over winning.

The couples who make it aren’t the ones who never hurt each other. They’re the ones who learn to say, “I see you. Let’s try again.”

What Are We Teaching Our Children?

Here’s something I didn’t understand until later: the way we speak to our partner, especially in conflict, teaches our kids what love looks like.

They’re learning from how we argue, how we apologize, how we show up when it’s hard. They absorb not just our words, but our tone, our body language, our energy.

Through us, they learn whether love is safe. Whether it listens. Whether it stays.

This isn’t about guilt. Most of our parents did the best they could with the tools they had. So are we. But if you notice yourself repeating unhealthy cycles, here’s the good news: you can do things differently.

You don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be willing. Every time you choose connection over control, listening over defensiveness, and understanding over blame, you’re not just healing your marriage. You’re reshaping what love looks like for your children.

The Takeaway

If you’re reading this and thinking, “That sounds like us,” or “I don’t want to repeat these cycles,” know this: change is possible.

You don’t have to keep reliving what you grew up with. You can create something new—for yourself, your partner, and your children.

And if you’re ready to take that first step, I’ve got tools to help:

👉 Fighting for Us: The 28-Day Conflict Reset Challenge — a step-by-step practice to regulate emotions, de-escalate fights, and rebuild safety in just 5 minutes a day.
👉 The Couples Communication Handbook — practical communication tools to break toxic cycles and finally feel seen and understood.

You’re not too late. Your marriage isn’t too far gone. And the little eyes watching? They’ll learn what healthy love looks like—from you.

With love,
Adele