Hi beautiful human, Adele here! This is a tough question, isn’t it? If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Can this relationship be saved?” or “How to save my relationship?” —trust me, you’re not alone. There have been moments in my own marriage where I found myself wondering the same thing. Bad communication, defensiveness, and deep emotional distance—it can all make you feel like you’re on different planets, even when you’re lying next to each other in bed.

At the core, many relationships struggle with the same issues: lack of communication, unresolved conflict, one or both shutting down emotionally and feeling misunderstood. But before we dive into whether your relationship can be saved, it’s important to understand the root of these problems. Only then can you start to unravel whether it’s worth fighting for or if it’s time to let go. Let’s dig in.

Common Signs a Relationship Might Be in Trouble

When my wife and I were going through some of our toughest times, it felt like every conversation turned into a fight. I’d bring up an issue, and she’d shut down or get defensive. I’d push for a solution, but all we ended up doing was hurting each other more. It felt like there was no compromising in the relationship. If any of this sounds familiar, your relationship might be showing signs of trouble.

Here are some red flags that could indicate your relationship is in trouble:

• Bad Communication: I’ve lived through this. My wife and I were experts at misunderstanding each other. We’d talk, but nothing would get resolved. It felt like we were speaking two different languages. If conversations with your partner often leave you feeling frustrated or unheard, that’s a sign that there are some deeper issues at play.
• Defensiveness and Criticism: I was often highly critical, and my wife would get defensive. It was a toxic loop. I’d point out something that bothered me, and instead of having a productive conversation, she’d feel attacked, and I’d feel even more distant. This kind of constant back-and-forth can quickly destroy the trust in a relationship.
• Emotional Distance: There were times when I felt completely disconnected from my wife, like we were roommates instead of partners. When you stop sharing your thoughts and emotions with each other, that emotional distance becomes a chasm.
• Frequent Arguments or Silent Treatment: Have you ever gone days without speaking after a fight? We did. My wife would retreat, and I’d feel like I was being punished. Silent treatment is a killer for communication and connection, and frequent arguments can wear you down until it feels easier to avoid each other than to engage.

Our Breaking Point: A Moment That Changed Everything

Two years ago, Mari and I hit what felt like rock bottom. We’d been feeling disconnected for months, and every argument seemed to escalate into a massive blowup. The aftermath? Days of silence and emotional distance. It was exhausting. I reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I thought to myself, I deserve better than this.

Mari, being avoidant, was willing to just keep going as if everything was fine. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

Then came another argument. But this time, it felt different. I told her straight out, “I can’t do this anymore. I won’t. We both deserve better than this, and if nothing changes in six months, I’m leaving.” Something about saying it felt so final, so absolute. I’d made up my mind, and for the first time, Mari realized I was serious.

The thing is, I’d threatened to leave so many times before. She’d never taken me seriously because deep down, she knew I wouldn’t follow through. But this time, she saw the truth in my words. If nothing changed, I really was leaving.

That moment was a turning point. For both of us. We started working on ourselves—really working. We listened to podcasts, read books, and looked inward at our own roles in the toxicity we’d created. It wasn’t about blaming each other anymore. It was about taking responsibility for our actions, our words, and our wounds.

And that’s when everything began to change.

It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t happen overnight. But the effort we both put in—the willingness to confront the hard truths—transformed our relationship. For the first time in a long time, we weren’t just coexisting. We were rebuilding, reconnecting, and growing together.

Can Every Relationship Be Saved? (Not Always, Here’s Why)

This is a hard truth to face, but not every relationship can be saved. It’s difficult to admit, especially when you’ve invested so much of your heart, time, and energy into it. But sometimes, the damage runs too deep. Emotional abuse, repeated toxicity, and a complete unwillingness to change can make it impossible to rebuild.

I know it’s not always about not wanting to change. For many of us, it’s not knowing how to change. There were times when my wife and I both wanted things to get better, but we didn’t know where to start. But here’s the thing: if there’s no mutual effort, no willingness to work through the tough stuff, then sometimes love just isn’t enough.

How to Know if a Relationship Can Be Saved

So, how do you know if your relationship is worth saving? Here are some signs that there’s still hope:

• Both Partners Are Willing to Work on Communication: The turning point in my marriage came when we both agreed to start working on how we communicated. If both partners are committed to improving communication and addressing toxic behaviors, there’s a good chance the relationship can be repaired.
• Trust Can Be Rebuilt: Even after trust is broken, whether through infidelity, emotional abuse, or long-standing issues, trust can be rebuilt. But this only works if both people are willing to put in the effort to heal.
• Mutual Willingness to Address Past Hurts: Every relationship has challenges, but not all challenges mean it’s beyond repair. My wife and I had to face some hard truths about our past, especially around childhood wounds and how they shaped our attachment styles. Healing was possible because we were both willing to do the work.

When It’s Time to Let Go

Sometimes, no matter how much you want things to work out, the healthiest thing you can do is let go. It’s heartbreaking, but here are some signs that your relationship may be beyond saving:

• Patterns of Emotional or Physical Abuse: Abuse, in any form, is a clear sign that the relationship is not healthy and likely can’t be repaired.
• Lack of Trust: If trust has been broken over and over again, and even after multiple attempts, you still can’t rebuild it, it may be time to move on.
• Unwillingness to Meet Each Other’s Needs: If you’ve clearly communicated your needs and your partner consistently refuses to compromise in the relationship, this shows a lack of respect for the relationship and for you.

How to Save A Relationship

If you’re ready to fight for your relationship, here are some steps that can help:

• Open and Honest Communication: Start by having an open conversation with your partner. Be vulnerable. Tell them how you’re feeling, and encourage them to share their feelings too.
• Practical Exercises to Rebuild Trust: One thing that helped us was setting aside time for regular check-ins. We also started focusing on what we appreciated about each other, instead of what we were doing wrong.
• Focus on the Positives: It’s easy to get bogged down in what’s wrong. But don’t forget to highlight the things that are still good in your relationship. It’s these small moments of gratitude that help you stay connected.
• The Couples Communication Handbook: If you’re looking for actionable steps to save your relationship, my guide: The Couples Communication Handbook is a great resource. It’s packed with practical exercises and tips to help you both communicate better, resolve conflict, and reconnect emotionally. If you’re ready to rebuild your relationship, this handbook is the perfect place to start. (It’s available as a digital guide and a physical book on Amazon)

The Final Question

Saving a relationship isn’t easy. It takes time, commitment, and a willingness to face your own faults as well as your partner’s. Whether you choose to work through the issues or find the strength to walk away, remember to ask yourself this: “Am I okay being loved this way for the rest of my life?”

Healing can happen together, but it can also happen apart. Either way, you deserve to be in a relationship that nurtures you and makes you feel valued. Don’t be afraid to choose the path that brings you the peace and love you deserve.

Take care,

Adele

Ps. You might also like this post: How to Fix Communication in a Relationship: The 9 Best Communication Books for Couples