Hi beautiful human, Adele here! Today, I want to talk about something that took me years to realize—my own toxic communication behaviors and how they were damaging my relationship. I didn’t see it at the time, but the way I was communicating was slowly eroding the foundation of my marriage. I had fallen into toxic communication patterns that I’d picked up from my childhood, without even realizing it.

Before I could have a healthy relationship, I had to confront these toxic behaviors head-on. Letting go of being a highly critical partner, reacting with defensiveness, avoidance, and using the silent treatment didn’t happen overnight, but it was essential for creating a relationship where both of us felt heard, loved, and valued. Here’s how I changed my communication patterns and saved my relationship.

Being a Highly Critical Partner

For a long time, I was highly critical of my wife. I would constantly point out what she was doing wrong—whether it was something as small as how she made my coffee or something bigger like how she disciplined our daughter. I didn’t realize that this was toxic behavior. It wasn’t helpful; it was hurtful. She told me later that it made her feel like she could never do anything right.

Why It’s Toxic: Constant criticism breaks down trust and creates a negative environment in the relationship. Your partner begins to feel like they’re always being judged, which leads to resentment and emotional distance.

How I Changed: I had to shift from being critical to being supportive. Instead of nitpicking the things my wife did, I started appreciating the positives. And when something did need to be addressed, I learned to do it in a way that was constructive rather than judgmental.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness was a big issue in our relationship, especially when I brought up something that was bothering me. Whenever I approached my wife with a concern, she would get defensive. Instead of acknowledging what I was saying, she would react by explaining herself or getting upset. And instead of handling the situation with empathy, I’d respond with my own defensiveness, turning a simple conversation into a full-blown screaming match.

Why It’s Toxic: Defensiveness shuts down communication and blocks any chance of resolving the issue. It tells your partner that their feelings aren’t valid, and it creates a cycle of blame that prevents any real progress in the relationship.

How I Changed: I realized that if we were going to have healthier conversations, I needed to approach these situations with more empathy and understanding. Instead of reacting defensively when she pushed back, I learned to listen more carefully and focus on finding solutions together. Once we both started taking responsibility for our actions, we were able to break the cycle of defensive arguments and have more productive conversations.

Avoidance

Avoidance was another toxic communication pattern that took hold in my relationship. Eventually, I found myself avoiding any conversation with my wife that wasn’t surface-level because I knew it would end in a screaming match. I hated conflict, so I’d bottle everything up, hoping the issue would somehow resolve itself. But, of course, it never did. Instead, all those unresolved feelings would fester, and eventually, they’d explode into a blowout fight.

Why It’s Toxic: Avoiding conflict doesn’t resolve anything; it just sweeps the issues under the rug. Over time, this builds up resentment, which damages trust and emotional intimacy. The longer the issues are left unaddressed, the more painful the inevitable confrontation becomes.

How I Changed: I realized that avoiding conflict wasn’t protecting our relationship—it was hurting it. I had to learn to face problems head-on, even if it was uncomfortable. By addressing issues as they arose, we were able to stop the build-up of resentment and avoid the huge, painful fights that used to occur when everything finally boiled over.

Silent Treatment

Early on in our relationship, I would ‘punish’ my wife with silent treatment. It was something I learned from my dad, who often used it to deal with conflict. When things got tough, I’d shut down emotionally, refusing to talk. My wife wasn’t desperate to resolve the issue either. With her avoidant attachment style, she could go days without a proper conversation, and this only made things worse. The more I withdrew, the longer we’d go without addressing the problem, creating a cycle where we were both emotionally distant.

Why It’s Toxic: Silent treatment is a form of emotional withdrawal that leads to emotional distance between partners. It leaves the other person feeling rejected or abandoned, and because the underlying issue is never addressed, it causes even more emotional disconnection over time.

How We Changed: My wife and I made a conscious decision to stop using silent treatment as a way to cope. We agreed to communicate clearly when we needed space, like saying, “I need some time to cool down, but we’ll talk about this later.” This helped us both step back without creating a sense of abandonment or prolonging the issue.

How Letting Go of These Behaviors Improved My Relationship

Letting go of these toxic communication behaviors wasn’t easy, but it was absolutely necessary for the health of my relationship. I realized that I was contributing to the conflict just as much as my wife was. By changing the way I communicated—letting go of criticism, defensiveness, avoidance, and silent treatment—we were able to rebuild the trust and emotional connection that had been damaged.

Now, we rarely have the kind of fights that used to leave us feeling hurt and disconnected. We talk through our issues more openly and with more compassion, and our relationship is stronger for it.

If you’ve recognized any of these toxic communication behaviors in yourself or your relationship, don’t be discouraged. Change is possible, but it starts with self-awareness. I had to take a hard look at my own actions and make a commitment to do better.

Healthy communication is the foundation of any strong relationship, but it takes work. If you’re ready to make a change, I encourage you to check out my digital guide: The Couples Communication Handbook. It’s filled with practical exercises and strategies to help you build better communication habits and create a healthier, happier relationship. (It’s now also available on Amazon Worldwide)

Have you struggled with any of these toxic behaviors in your relationship? Share your story in the comments—I’d love to hear from you.

With love,

Adele

Check out this post: 15 Simple Tips For Better Communication in Your Relationship