Hi beautiful human, Adele here! Today, I want to talk about growing up with emotionally absent parents and how that experience can shape your romantic relationships as an adult. You’re not alone if you’ve felt the lasting effects of emotional neglect in childhood—it’s more common than you might think.
Studies show that between 23% and 40% of people report experiencing emotional neglect during childhood. That means nearly one in four or even one in three people may have grown up without the emotional support, affection, or validation they needed. Other research suggests that 15-20% of adults grew up without ever hearing “I love you” from their parents or receiving regular affection.
For me, I never felt truly loved, heard, or understood as a child. And while I knew my childhood wasn’t great, I had no idea how it would affect my relationships as an adult—especially my relationship with my wife. We met when we were just 21 and 22, and we didn’t know anything about attachment styles or the effects of emotionally absent parenting.
It wasn’t until later that I realized my anxious attachment and abandonment issues stemmed from my childhood experiences. For the longest time, I thought I was just “needy.” It was only through healing my childhood trauma that I understood why I needed so much reassurance to feel secure.
In this post, we’ll explore the lasting impact of emotionally absent parents on adult relationships and offer strategies for healing and creating healthier dynamics.
What Does Emotional Neglect Look Like?
Emotional neglect occurs when parents are physically present but emotionally unavailable. This could mean they were too overwhelmed, distracted, or simply didn’t know how to provide the love and validation you needed growing up. As a result, you didn’t receive the affection, praise, or emotional support that’s critical for healthy emotional development.
Common Signs of Emotional Neglect:
- Lack of Emotional Validation: Not hearing “I love you” or receiving praise for achievements.
- Feeling Invisible: As a child, your emotions were ignored or dismissed, and you were left feeling like your needs didn’t matter.
- No Emotional Support: There was little to no emotional nurturing, leaving you to navigate your feelings alone.
When you grow up without feeling loved or heard, those feelings don’t disappear—they follow you into adulthood and start playing out in your romantic relationships.
Attachment Issues: How Emotional Neglect Affects Adult Relationships
One of the most profound effects of emotionally absent parenting is its impact on your attachment style. According to attachment theory, the emotional bonds we form with our caregivers in childhood shape how we connect with others as adults. People who experience emotional neglect are more likely to develop insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant or anxious attachment.
Avoidant Attachment:
- People with avoidant attachment tend to keep emotional distance in relationships because they struggle to trust others.
- They avoid deep emotional connections, fearing that intimacy will lead to rejection or emotional overwhelm.
- They may have difficulty expressing love and affection, as they weren’t taught how to communicate emotional needs.
Anxious Attachment:
For me, I developed an anxious attachment style. I crave closeness, but at the same time, I constantly fear abandonment. People with anxious attachment often:
- Need frequent reassurance to feel secure in their relationships.
- Overanalyze their partner’s actions, fearing rejection or abandonment.
- Misinterpret neutral behaviors as signs of rejection, leading to misunderstandings and conflict.
For the longest time, I thought my need for reassurance made me “needy.” It wasn’t until I started healing my childhood trauma that I realized my anxious attachment and abandonment issues stemmed from growing up without emotional support. I needed reassurance not because I was too much, but because I had never felt secure in my emotional needs as a child.
Communication Challenges Stemming From Emotional Neglect
If you grew up without emotional validation, you might find it difficult to communicate in your adult relationships. You may not know how to express your feelings, or you may fear rejection when you try. This lack of emotional skill can create significant communication barriers.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions:
- You may struggle to articulate emotions like love, frustration, or fear, leading to emotional withdrawal or bottling up your feelings.
- You might find it difficult to recognize or validate your partner’s emotions, causing feelings of disconnection.
In my own relationship, I often found it difficult to understand and validate my wife’s emotions. I had so much love for her, but I didn’t always know how to communicate that love in a way that she could feel. Because I struggled to respond to her emotional needs, we often ended up feeling disconnected.
Conflict Avoidance or Escalation:
If you didn’t receive attention or validation as a child, conflict may feel overwhelming or pointless, leading to one of two common responses:
- Avoiding conflict entirely because you don’t know how to handle it without feeling overwhelmed. This can result in unresolved issues that pile up over time.
- Escalating minor disagreements into bigger fights, seeking attention. In my case, I would sometimes provoke a reaction just to get attention. As a child, I didn’t get much attention, so I learned that sometimes, even negative attention is better than no attention.
This cycle of escalating small conflicts or avoiding them altogether often leads to more misunderstandings and a deeper sense of disconnect between partners.
The Fear of Rejection or Criticism
Another major challenge for people who grew up with emotionally absent parents is a heightened sensitivity to rejection or criticism. When you’ve never received emotional validation, you’re more likely to take any form of feedback as rejection.
How This Shows Up:
- You may become defensive when your partner offers even constructive criticism.
- You might shut down emotionally or withdraw, fearing that any conflict or disagreement will lead to rejection or abandonment.
For me, this meant feeling attacked during tough conversations with my wife. My fear of criticism and rejection made it hard for us to have honest discussions, which only worsened the communication breakdown.
Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Neglect in Relationships
Healing from emotional neglect takes time, but it’s absolutely possible. Here are some steps that helped me—and can help you—start breaking the cycle and building healthier relationships:
Build Self-Awareness:
The first step in overcoming the effects of emotional neglect is to become aware of how your past experiences affect your present relationships. For me, understanding my anxious attachment style was a game-changer. I realized that my need for reassurance was tied to my childhood, not a flaw in my personality.
Learn Healthy Communication Habits:
Practice expressing your emotions, even if it feels uncomfortable. It’s okay to be vulnerable with your partner—sharing your feelings can help build a stronger emotional connection. Learning to validate both your own and your partner’s emotions is key to breaking down barriers.
Work Together With Your Partner:
In my own relationship, my wife and I worked together to break the cycle of disconnection. If you’re in a relationship, being open about your struggles can foster healing together. Consider regular check-ins to create a safe space for both of you.
Growing up with emotionally absent parents can have a profound impact on your adult relationships, leading to attachment issues, communication challenges, and difficulty building emotional intimacy. But it’s important to remember that healing is possible. With self-awareness, effort, and the right support, you can break these patterns and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Suppose you’re ready to start improving your communication and emotional connection with your partner. In that case, I invite you to check out my guides: The Couples Communication Handbook & The Emotional Intimacy Blueprint. They are packed with exercises, tips, and strategies to help you communicate more effectively, connect on a deeper level, and create the loving relationship you deserve. These guides are available as digital downloads or physical workbooks on Amazon worldwide.
Have you experienced emotional neglect in childhood? How has it impacted your adult relationships? Share your story in the comments, and let’s support each other on this journey. For more tips and discussions on relationship dynamics, follow me on Instagram. Together, we can build stronger, more loving relationships.
Thank you for joining me here at Happy Couples Connect. Stay tuned for more posts, tips, and stories. I look forward to connecting with you all and supporting each other on this journey to better communication and healthier relationships.
With love,
Adele
Also check out: The Lasting Impact of Your Parents’ Poor Communication on Your Romantic Relationships
